What Self Talk SHOULD You Change?

It is common enough to hear people say something like, "I know I SHOULD, but..." You might have even said it yourself at some stage. Nothing to be ashamed of. It happens. It's just using words you can find in a dictionary that are well understood by all concerned, or are they?

Listening to people's words is really fascinating. If you ever hear "I should...", then here is the conclusion you can make - they won't. "Should" automatically implies that they aren't going to do it. If they were going to do it they would use some other phrase like "I will..." or "when I...". "Should" = won't happen.

Now before you get defensive, and say "Yes, but..." let me add one piece. There is often a REALLY good reason that you won't do it, and that is that most of the things that you think you "should" do, you really should not. This may seem strange at first, but let me give you 2 simple examples to make this a whole lot clearer.

First of all consider if there has ever been a time when you weren't assertive enough in a particular situation, and as a result you found yourself thinking along the lines of, "I should have told them exactly what I thought of them!"

Well, no you shouldn't have. You know it, and everyone else knows it too. This "should" comes up as an over-reaction to the initial under-reaction. I've had people tell me what they "should" have done, and it included things that would have landed them in police custody. It was a really good thing that they didn't act upon that "should", and yet they are still beating themselves up with their language to try and change the past to something that would have been worse than what they did in fact do.

Perhaps this seems too clear-cut a time when "should" is not the most accurate way to say something, but don't be too hasty. Even in more minor cases, saying "I should have done XYZ" is commonly an overreaction rather than an appropriate reassessment of what behaviors would actually have suited us better.

Secondly, a "should" can be something that we learn from someone else at some time in our life, and then keep for ourselves from then on.

If someone tells you what to do, even if they are parents, teachers, friends or doctors, they are not always right. Sometimes in fact they are completely wrong. They can be absolutely, completely sure of something, and still be wrong. Certainly is not truth. You might try what they suggest and find that it doesn't work for you, but you might still be left with this sense that you "should" be doing what they say.

This "should" is not a signal to keep stubbornly trying to do something. It is a signal to reassess the original statement, maybe add some qualifiers, or even throw the whole idea away completely.

Either way, when you hear yourself say "should", realize this means you won't, and you might be better off anyway. These two self-reflections alone may help you get rid of a whole lot of "should"s in your life, and a whole lot of guilt as well.


You can reach the author, Dr Martin Russell, to find more self help tips from the official page... http://www.DrMartinRussell.com